Where I am

To add to the sense of instability and changing climate in my life, I have decided to get another dog. Rather, I decided to get another dog roughly 3 1/2 weeks ago, but only got a dog yesterday. This is not because I am necessarily picky, but more because it's easier to adopt a Malaysian baby than it is to get a dog in New York. However, I hooked up with MissRumplesOrphanage.com and procured the most lovely little shih-tzu on the face of this planet. Everyone else has crappy dogs compared to mine. This dog is awesome.

I got hime because my landlord was complaining that my dog howled all day when I left for school, and he didn't do that when Maxx (roommate's old dog) lived here. I picked this guy up yesterday from Rumples' brownstone in Manhattan. He crawled up into my arms and fell right asleep. He has become acquainted with my other dog Toby, and my home rather quickly. I was worrying about leaving the two of them at home today, because I needed to run to the grocery store. As I was walking, I kind of mulled a lot on what has happened to me lately.

For starters, my roommate moved out rather abruptly at the beginning of the year. I began to worry about what I would do for rent almost immediately. Fortunately, my boyfriend is helping out for the rent, so that fear has been put to rest. However, a couple of weeks ago, I got terrible news about a friend of mine. This friend's father shot her mother and then himself. I hadn't spoken to the girl since college, but this news had a way of ripping me out of my current life in Brooklyn, and shoving me back into high school. That weekend, the third of my little brothers got engaged, prompting me to have deep heart to heart talks with both of my parents. I listened to some really difficult things that day, as well as suffered the internal sense of inadequacy since this is the third of my little brothers to get engaged, and I am the oldest, and am clearly not having my relationship celebrated. THEN, to top it off, my father went in for emergency quadruple bypass surgery this last Thursday. He is fine, but I was shaken.

I was thinking about what a rough couple of weeks it's been. I really have been holding up well, despite all of that. I got to the grocery store, which is a very centering place for me. Even the sour looks from the grocers and the checkers were comforting. I know people in New York can be pains in the ass, but they are at least predictable. The crappy scowl that the Russian woman gave the checker who smashed her groceries on the conveyor belt soothed me, even though a few months ago it would have unnerved me.

I came home, and rather than come home to two dogs howling, I came home to both dogs patiently waiting at the gate, looking to me for guidance. Maybe things can be stable long enough for me to mourn properly, because all I feel like doing is crying. I feel like I am not going to be good enough or smart enough to finish this semester. I feel like the only thing I have learned from living here is that things change quickly and I shouldn't get comfortable. I am terrified for where I am and terrified for where I will be.