Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Reach out and touch someone

I feel so lonely.

I feel like every exercise in meeting people and making friends has panned out. I moved here to start my education, not trade my life in for isolation. I am so upset right now, and I don't have anyone I can call.

I don't know what to do.

I hate myself this way. I hate being sick, and I hate the weakness. I hate the lack of mental clarity, and I hate how being alone has skewed my judgement in a horribly wrong direction.

The worst of this is, that even if I had friends, the things that happen with them are nothing compared to the comfort I get from Jon, and he isn't here. Having a good time with friends is a poor substitute for that kind of solace, and I don't have that either. I have me, who I hate.

If I would have known what moving here would mean, I never would have done it. This is something I regret that I am locked in to. This is not exciting, or glamorous, or poignant. It is a hellhole of my own creation. I motivated my own roommate so much that she moved out. I am alone with all of my thoughts, with a practically absent family, and a life that I would love to come home to in Denver, but I can't because I can't survive. This is the most painful experience. At least when the shit was hitting the fan with Josh, I had my family.


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