Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

How to be married and other practical matters:

The following post is a combination of several things I have learned from being married my own self and to some degree a general response to some issues frequently brought to my attention from others. I apologize in advance if the language is a little blue; my thoughts are sometimes a little blue. Also, I should say that the bulk of this knowledge was told to me long before I experienced it my ownself by my momma, but being how those things are, I didn’t quite believe her until I had the head trauma (figuratively) to prove that the things she was saying were true. Some nuggets are from my mom, some are from Jill Connor Browne, and some are from women whose names I cannot remember at all. Just take my word for it that these ladies are a hell of a lot smarter than me. That should lend to my credibility.

Tip No. 1: Inspect the genital area of your beloved, and note it well.

This aspect of your significant other is unlikely to change. If unsure about the inspection results, simply ask your partner with which gender he or she identifies. If your partner says both, just know that all rules of gender will apply to your loved one. Buyer beware.
To the womenfolk: If you are ninety percent of the population, you have likely found yourself in possession of a male. Hopefully, you are satisfied with your product. If not, well what you see is what you get.
To the menfolk: If you are ninety percent of the population, you are likely tickled pink that you are looking at the opposite sexed genitals of your beloved right now. A celebratory “Whoop” is perfectly acceptable. If you are reading this online, you are likely examining your own genitals right now, and you may also let out a celebratory “Whoop”.

Tip No. 2: Your partner will likely be exactly like the gender he or she claims to be.

A dear friend of mine recently told me that his erstwhile significant other complained to him that his loving gestures were just a “means to an end”. I have heard this complaint from women before and this is the response that I have carefully formulated:


Women, be reminded that the “means to an end” was the reason that we have continued to propagate the species. So to men I say, “Thank you”. Yeah, it’s not rocket science that when men are tender and loving they also want sex. Most women like this in the beginning of a relationship, and then shift to being annoyed with it as the relationship progresses. Be reminded that the person you brought home the night before is still the same person the very next day, and the next, and so on. If you don’t like that when men are affectionate they typically want sex then I highly suggest you start dating a different gender. If you are not inclined to do so, I say don’t get a man, get a DOG. In fact, get several dogs. Small ones preferably. Become the Sharon Osbourne of your town. Head to your job hovering on a sea of Pomeranians. I digress.
From men, the common complaint is that the woman you dated/married/etc. is too obsessed with her looks. She spends too much time/money on hair/clothes/makeup. To that I respond with a resounding chorus of:


In my observations, I have determined that women are typically always interested in fashion and appearances. (And they say men are visual creatures.) This interest waxes and wanes and appears to go through the following three phases:

1. Highly fashionable, well dressed, while actively seeking relationship
2. Not giving a half a damn
3. Realizing that the not giving half a damn was related to the fact that for 18 years she was avoiding having her nice clothes covered in breastmilk/vomit/tempera paint/mud. That’s right, now it’s time for revenge of the fashionista, to make up for lost time!

So, dear male-types, even though you may have met your lovely opposite
gendered lady friend while she was wearing overalls, don’t think that those Osh-Kosh-Bgoshes weren’t carefully selected to attract you. They were. And also, even though a woman’s fashion interests may go through a latent phase while she is breast feeding, do not be surprised if her interests are sublimated by dressing up the tiny person you two created, her small Pomeranian, or God forbid, YOU. Maybe your hillbilly girl doesn’t start really liking shoes until she is fifty. She is what we call a late bloomer. Don’t get all freaked out, and if you don’t like it, date men.
If you need another reason to appreciate the effort women go through to look nice for men, remember that women evolved into having breasts just to attract men. You’re welcome.

Sidenote: Lady-types, if you don’t like the way your male dresses, dress him your ownself. If you are so critical that you couldn’t even think to go out with a man who doesn’t know how to properly attire himself, it is time for some serious reflection on the fact that you may be a gay man.

Tip No. 3: Sleep naked.

Why this rule? Men need to be touched. They need to feel the skin of their beloved, and they need it every night. If you don’t like this arrangement, refer to the portion listed above regarding Pomeranians.
So many things threaten to separate our relationships: Work, television and other electrical appliances, so the onus is on US to make sure that we stay together. Touching each other for comfort before we fall asleep is one way to keep the bond. Alter your environment as needed to make this comfortable.
There are times when you will need a hiatus from the nudity for practical purposes: Night sweats, various illnesses, and the monthly visitor. Once these issues have resolved, get naked again.
I also don’t care for the excuse that sleeping naked while one has little children in the house is a good enough reason to wear pajamas to bed. This is why Gandhi invented the bathrobe.
Be forewarned: If you don’t do the touching of your male oriented partner, someone else will.

Tip No.4: Accept this person as he or she is RIGHT NOW.
For women: Take a deep breath of acceptance. Let the acceptance flood you. Even all of the things that you don’t care for. All of it. Absolutely every last particle of your partner. Eat it, breathe it, drink it. This person will always be the variety of person you got. You didn’t get the Pierce Brosnan/Will Smith/Michael Moore variety, you got all of the man in front of you. He may get fatter, balder, or crankier, but the seeds of everything he will ever be are in him right now. Do not fall in love with a man’s potential. Assume that things will never get better, and if you can live with that, you are ready to be married. For me, I got the nerdy Jew type man, and it works just fine for me. If you prefer the macho type, don’t be surprised when he is an unstoppable jackass when he is 60. You thought it was cute when you were in your twenties. Choose wisely.
For men: Take a look at the lady in front of you. She will always be as crazy as she was when you brought her home, and her hormones aren’t helping any. If you don’t like it, get a hobby.

Tip No. 5: Sex is not love and vice versa.

When a man sleeps with a woman, he does not necessarily love her. He may love that she slept with him, but that is probably all. When a woman sleeps with a man, she would do well to remember that, and probably enjoy the sex a whole lot more. What I am saying is, give yourself permission to enjoy sex for what it is and love for what it is. When they mix it’s great, but recognize that it is really rare.

In conclusion, I am not an expert. I am happily married, but I recognize that the ink is hardly dry on my ketubah. When I learn more, I will let you know. Also, as I said, this information was gleaned from women smarter than me, so if it doesn’t work, blame them, not me.


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