Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


This morning I took my class on advanced adult psychopathology. We were talking about female perversions, which are interesting because they are largely non-sexual. Danielle, my prof, said something interesting that I thought was true based on my experience. She said, "the attention women focus on their children as the centers of their world is perverse."
(meaning it's a fixation that is abnormal.)

While it's wonderful to see such involved women with their children, I have seen men slowly disengage from their marriages because they are told that they are not as important as the children are. These same women are in rat races for who will be mother of the year with the other Mommy and Me mothers, and their husbands are just supposed to endure the maltreatment and objectification, and these same women just expect the children to be okay.

My sense is that these women got married only to have children. I have news for you: It is possible to have children without involving a partner. It's probably better for you and your kids if you don't give a damn about sex or romance or partnership, and the only thing you want to do is flashcards and harp lessons for your kindergartener.

My own mother focused all of her early energy on me. The reason that she did, was that there was no husband. Truthfully, neither my mother nor my father had the capacity for intimacy. After my mom realized the kind of father he was, she didn't really want his input.

She was happy to be an "on her own" mom. She didn't have to check with anyone about my upbringing, and for her, that was a reasonable feeling because she felt pretty limitless at the time.

However, when she met my dad, I was quickly put in my place. I was forcefully moved into my own bed, and immediately began to defer to his authority. I fantasized about the time when I was under my mother's leadership and had all of her attention (sometimes I still do), but I know now that frustration helps development. It just does.

Anyway, this Oprah show today has a bunch of women pissed off because this woman wrote an article saying she loves her kids, but is not in love with them, she is in love with her husband.

Many women are trying so hard to make sure that their kids don't go shooting strangers that they make them the center of the universe. The added bonus is, that if you are so tired and excited from your fabulous parenting, it's like placing a shield in front of you to protect you from the intimacy of a marriage or relationship. You think men aren't in touch with their emotions? What about women being so afraid of intimacy with another ADULT? I think it starts with laziness, and then thinking that this sort of thing can wait. Then, you've waited so long, you don't want to have to own up to the neglect-like gaining weight after stopping Weight Watchers. So, you live in a silenced, sexless, marriage, where the kids have IQ's of 9,000, you do everything on your own, and you have no companionship.

Women need to trust their husbands to share the workload primarily. Men can handle a fair share of the parenting and house duties; and it's good for the kids to see that. You need to be your own person, otherwise, the children will have no mother, the husband will have no wife, and you will have no you. Second, women need to realize how profoundly selfish it is to put the children first. You deflect the affections of other people who love you with whom you might have to have a more advanced interaction. What I mean is, it's easy to have affection for kids. They're cute. It's harder to maintain intimacy with an adult who knows exactly what you do when you are pulling your bullshit, but at least there is some exchange. The kids really may not benefit from being the center of the universe. Also, it's good for kids to see good marriages. It helps them learn to model the same behavior.

I know a woman who has a "family bed," where the whole family, mom, dad, and two boys, all sleep in the same bed. You don't think that the husband cares that he's being fended off like an aggressive attack?

Also, women need to remember that paying attention to a husband has payoffs. For example, when the kids are gone, you still have a companion.

Marriage is a sacrament in the church. It is meant to be central to the family. Children are an offspring of the love in a marriage, but should not replace the central relationship. They are too young and ill-equipped to understand the ramifications for themselves and the family of such a focus.