Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


Attribute it to being a responsible, albeit naive adult, but I had no idea that STD testing involved a full pelvic exam of my lady place.

I went to the STD clinic in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. I had my HIV testing last week (all good), but I got there too late in the day to get my full grossness test. So, New Boyfriend and I went today. It was a complete shock to me that the gonorrhea and chlamydia test would involve semi-nudity. My doctor was a small Hispanic man who wore a black driving cap. He had one of those mustaches that has no hair in the middle of the upper lip. It was so distracting that I kept giving him the wrong answers regarding my sex history. I was like, "Um...April...wait, last year....wait....anal? Umm....What? "

Then he was like, " get undressed from the waist down." Mi scuzza?

Having a pelvic is like having your car jacked up....you're not used to seeing it in such proportions or heights. It's mind boggling.

Because I didn't understand that the pelvic was coming, it was like a drive-by pelvic. I couldn't stop laughing when I was coming out of the room. Get control Jessica. Just because you just showed your BINGO card to a Dominican...well, there you go.

Anyway, if you find PAP smears funny, this stuff was comedic gold!

Monday, August 01, 2005

4 pounds in 4 days


I'd like to welcome you to the New Boyfriend Weight Loss Plan!

First, precede New Boyfriend with reasonably poor nutrition.
Next, fall in love.
Third, and this is the vital part, lay around gazing at New Boyfriend. The weight will simply FALL OFF OF YOU!

Now, look at yourself. You look fabulous! Celebrate with a pizza and a Heineken! You're skinny, you have a man, and now you have a pizza and a beer. Life is good!