Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

You can stop counting

After sheep number 478, I reluctantly stopped counting. I am open for suggestions of other barnyard animals one could count in order to fall asleep. I have stopped drinking caffeine past noon, I take in physical activity during the day, and I even have decaf tea at night. I get into bed, and I can feel my brain starting to race. I have never had insomnia before. It's strange, because part of the problem is that I don't want to sleep late. Part of the problem with chronic fatigue syndrome is that my internal clock is so messed up. I know if I fall asleep at 4 am, that I will wake up in time for Dr. Phil, and nothing else.

I can feel this looming anxiety, even though nothing is going on. I just stayed awake all night and now I am wide awake watching the news. There is this piece on about soldiers that are coming home from war that are getting killed in car accidents. This sort of hits home for a couple of reasons. For one, I have two brothers overseas, one in the middle east, and the other in Japan (both in the Air Force). Second, last year, right around this time, my brother died in a car wreck. He would have graduated this year, and gone on to art school. This time last year, I was in Oklahoma, singing at his funeral. He wrapped his mom's car around a tree and killed his best friend as well. It was a nightmare.

Additionally, I am on alert for my grandmother's passing. I am preparing myself for what will be a sad journey home. The thing is, looking at pictures of Texas, I really do miss home (Texas and Oklahoma). However, I am so reluctant to go home. I feel guilty about this, but I know it's not healthy for me.

I think I need more human contact, and not just in the form of real estate brokers. Maybe if I just plum wore myself out, I would not be so anxious toward bedtime.