I stole from Schaubee

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jessica
Birthday:	September 28, 1979
Birthplace:	In a manger. There was no room at the inn.
Current Location:	Brooklyn, NY.
Eye Color:	Hazel
Hair Color:	Whatever's on sale.
Height:	5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right handed
Your Heritage:	Irish and Choctaw
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Impo faux suede boots
Your Weakness:	Bridal mags
Your Fears:	Fish, heights
Your Perfect Pizza:	Pepperoni and mushroom from Enzo's in Denver
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	This year? Finishing school in good academic standing
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"This f'n thing disconnected me again"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Can I go back to sleep?
Your Best Physical Feature:	Boobs
Your Bedtime:	10-12, whenever work is done.
Your Most Missed Memory:	Bad time to ask. I like my life right now.
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDo's
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	No idea
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Yes
Do you Sing:	Yes
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Finished
Do you want to get Married:	Next August, baby!
Do you belive in yourself:	I always belive in myself. It's unavoidable.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Yes
Do you think you are Attractive:	Depends on the day
Are you a Health Freak:	Absolutely not. I am southern.
Do you get along with your Parents:	Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	Yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Can't eat sugar
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	No
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	Via cancer that I know about so I can say goodbye to my family
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Psychologist
What country would you most like to Visit:	Vietnam
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Don't care
Favourite Hair Color:	Dark...sometimes...
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	Don't care
Weight:	Don't care
Best Clothing Style:	Naked. We are talking about guys, right?
Number of Drugs I have taken:	1?
Number of CDs I own:	Kazillion
Number of Piercings:	9
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Brutal Bride

This weekend, I ventured to bridal fairy land. It's called Kleinfelds. When you walk in the door, a bunch of other brides are there waiting in an ornate lobby. They have mannequins everywhere in gorgeous gowns and formal wear. It's like waiting in line for Pirates of the Carribean at Disneyland: You're sure most of the people there (the moving ones) are animatronics but you can't help but ogle them for their realism.

Women are there with their mothers, their friends, and whoever else is there promoting the starvation that occurs before the gown trying-on. I went with my mother in-law-to-be. For everyone else who has horror stories about their in-laws, I couldn't be happier with mine. She's awesome and I was happy to have her there with me, especially since my own mom is in Oklahoma.

They initially seated us in a fitting room that I'm pretty sure was above the boiler room. It was hot as hell. It had multiple mirrors, and a little platform so I could admire myself from up on high.

My consultant asked me my tastes, and I told her: Deep V, spaghetti straps or tank, A-line,but not ball gown, and sheath is okay as well.

She proceeds to bring in Strapless mermaid, strapless bubble and all in the sample size 10. For those of you without lady parts, bridal gowns run small. So just when you need to wear white, the most revealing color on the spectrum, on the day when you will be photographed more than Brittany's newborn baby, they make you feel fat. Some say it's sadism, I say designers are in it with the TrimSpa people. I know everytime I take one of those pills I pretend I'm in Valley of the Dolls.

Anyway, so she keeps bringing me these things that I have said I do not want, and then is surprised when I tell her that it's not really my style. So then here's what she does...
She goes out, grabs a 6,000 gown, in my size, not sample size 10, and acts all astonished when the f*cker looks good on me.

I'll tell you why it looked good on me.

6,000 of anything will look good on me. I should know. Money is very flattering.

Then, the evil bitch says, "The gowns you wanted are nice, but well, they're not very forgiving."

You know what's not forgiving? My satin gloved hands around your neck.

If you want to say, "Honey, charmeuse makes my chihuahua's ass look big. What in the name of god do you think it's going to do to you? You're going to look like you've collided with an iceberg."

That would be fine. But bullshitting me because you think I'm too big for your Amy Michelson and your Vera Wang, then just f*cking well say so.

Tell me the truth when I actually look good in a gown because you gave my ideas a chance, and I will be eternally grateful, and my mother's ever-powerful Mastercard will be commission in your hands.