Unique New York

Just like a regular woman, only crankier.

Monday, March 05, 2007


I love winter. 12 more weeks of winter? No problem. Snow? Ice? Bring it on. Blizzard? Just call me "Wooly Mammoth". There is nothing I don't love about winter. I love the clothes, the food, the look of the buildings covered in snow.

Take that back.

I hate one thing about winter.

Puffy jackets. Can't be bothered. It's like the most inconsiderate attire anyone cared to don. And in New York, where urban stylez prevail, hiphop kids are particularly fond of their jackets in giant sizes. What's worse than a puffy coat? A GIANT puffy coat.

I know the mofos are warm and all, but during the subway commute, when we're all crammed in trying to get from A to B, there is nothing more annoying than two guys on a three person seat taking up the whole bench because their jackets occupy one and a half persons. I, in my svelt coat, feel rude pushing past the down, the foam core, and god knows what else to sit down next to the giant ones.

Also, those big-ass jackets block out all of those dude's peripheral vision. And it's not as though rude people have the best peripheral vision in the first place.

So, you're crammed on the train, eyeing four potential seats except for the fact that they are being claimed by North Face and its subsidiaries, and the summed weight of all the people in the aforementioned jackets barely surpasses that of a heft middle earthling. Irate, you reach your transfer, and try to expediently make your next train, but alas! You are thwarted by the poofy hobbits because they walk s-l-o-w-l-y ahead of you. They might know that you need to pass if they weren't wearing their Ghengis Kahn hoods. You know the ones I mean. The down hoods with the muppet-y fur rims. Any chance they might see your urgent looks as you deftly try to predict whether they will veer right or left are blotted out by these mighty furry blinders.

And thus ends my diatribe about the large-coated urbanite. Buy something wooly, and A-lined, people! And for God's sakes, buying a large jacket just makes you look like your wearing your daddy's clothes, it does not create the enlargening effect you think it might. Think my two sizes two big theory is crap? Okay, dudes, personal challenge. When fully erect, try on a condom that is two sizes two large. I guarantee, it will have the overall effect of making your meat and two veg look like a golf pencil inside a ziplock bag. I'll bet you'll think twice about that XXL, now, short stack.